Sometimes I root for nature in her often lopsided battle against the human race. A tornado versus the local trailer park—I’m not supporting the home team. While COVID-19 has killed almost as many Americans as the First Civil War, we are not entirely innocent victims in our war on Mother Earth. There are also some aspects of “Life 19” that I will even miss.

The day after Private Ryan tested positive, there were fewer airplanes in the sky than Sept. 12, 2001. The sea was spotless, and no Liberian freighters clogged the horizon. Malibu residents could drive into “The City” in 20 minutes—returning home was even faster! Business and social interactions were no longer necessary: “Would love to see you but, our kids are in a small pod of Dolphins just off Zuma, and we’re not seeing anyone else.”

Another positive side effect of The Virus was the lightning fast rise of “instant karma.” When dozens of mask-less lawmakers backslapped their latest illegally appointed Supreme Court Justice, they almost instantly became infected with a mysterious virus that seemed to strike out of nowhere. Their behavior and intellect regressed to levels not seen since Homo Erectus walked the Earth in eons past.

Finally, I will miss long uninterrupted hours of family time: playing poker, drinking and smoking, and walking in the background of my eight year old’s Zoom calls in my boxers. When shall we ever get to shop at Vintage Market again midweek, feeling just as comfortable in our robes and slippers as Gary Busey and Nick Nolte?

Dan Bercu

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