In my most recent column, I wrote “I have no intention of making a bucket list,” and I don’t, but I am preparing a very special list which I will divulge now for the first time fully aware that somebody will most assuredly pilfer it.

I am keeping a list of things I will be delighted never to experience again—in other words, a reverse bucket list. Whereas most people make a list of things they wish to do before they expire, I, on the other hand, am making a list of things I will happily never have to do again, and thus, departing the scene might not be so bad after all.

For instance, I will be eternally grateful that I will never have to prepare for a colonoscopy again. The foul taste of that liquid preparation is so horrific that not having to do that again is most assuredly a blessing.  

I also like the thought of not getting a call from my accountant telling me I owe IRS money when I was expecting a refund. That is the kind of shock which resembles a punch in the gut, and needless to say, I would be quite pleased never to experience that again.

Why the more I think about all the distasteful things in my life, the more welcome the alternative becomes. Just think, I won’t have to get stuck on the 10 or the 405 when a 45-minute drive turns into 3 hours. And I won’t have to wait in line anywhere ever again for all eternity—not so bad!

The more I think about the list, the more things come to mind. I will never have a tooth pop out again thus ruining a perfectly good meal. In fact, I will never have to go to the dentist again for any reason whatsoever. 

And I will never have to trouble myself any longer with what Xmas gifts to buy—something that starts to bother me around July 4th. I will no longer worry about slowing down every time I descend a hill in Malibu fearing a motorcycle sheriff will jump out from the bushes to tell me how much I owe LA County.

No more will I have to answer robocalls, deal with utility companies, try to figure out which remote works what, try on pants which are too tight, attend functions which require formal wear, and so on and so on. In other words, when my number is called, rather than frantically race out to hold a shark or wrap a snake around my throat, I will look at my reverse bucket list and leave these parts with a smile on my face.  

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