I belong to Diamond’s Malibu Gym. I use the word “belong” not because I pay a monthly fee, which I do, but because I have come to know many of the staff and members, and it seems a bit like belonging to a family.

Since I feel this sense of belonging, I have not hesitated to share some unsolicited advice (all my advice is always unsolicited) with Diamond on how to make his gym even better. I now share these suggestions with you, my reader, under the heading: “If it Were My Gym”:

An escalator should be installed immediately, connecting the two floors. Walking up and down stairs is an unnecessary use of one’s energy, and I believe detrimental to one’s health.

A special VIP service should be instituted whereby a member could pay a little bit extra to have the trainer do the exercise regimen for him. For instance, I could sit in a comfortable chair, drink some coffee, perhaps eat a doughnut or two, read the newspaper and relax while a paid professional sweats and grunts for me.

Now, I recognize there are always some skeptics out there who might find this suggestion counter-productive to a healthy lifestyle, but I believe that total relaxation is good for the heart and often underrated. 

Gary Liss, one of the trainers, informed me that tortoises—which exert almost no energy—live very long lives, and blubbery whales, which also live long lives, gorge themselves on food to survive the elements. Ah yes, doing nothing and getting fat—sounds like a perfect way for me to extend my life. As a matter of fact, I am so impressed with Gary’s keen observation that I intend to hire him as soon as Diamond institutes the VIP service I am recommending. 

Certain current members should be expelled—kicked out of the gym for being extremely bad for my morale. I mean no disrespect to these workout enthusiasts, but their grueling regimens make me feel inadequate, and there should be no place in the gym for people who destroy my fragile ego. 

Take Michelle, for instance. I hear she is a singer, but she does not sing in the gym. She often gets on a stationary bike right next to mine and proceeds to behave in what I strongly feel is an improper way. While I hum along at 70 rpms on level six, Michelle sets the bike to level 20 and hits 120 rpms in a matter of seconds. People like Michelle have no idea how I am shattered every time they excel.

Jay is another member who should be evicted summarily. No matter what time of the day or night I go to Diamond’s Gym, there is Jay, doing one exercise or another. He says he works out about two hours a day, but I really believe 22 hours a day is more like it. I don’t know when Jay has time to eat or sleep, but what I do know is that his conduct is detrimental to my mental wellbeing.

I am sad to say that Diamond has not acted on any of my suggestions to date, but I am confident that he is taking them under advisement, and that I should be riding up and down the escalator any day now.

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